Thinking

I had off today and I did nothing. Right now, I think I just need to write, to think aloud per say. Writing always helps me to be more truthful with myself, and I think that's what I need right now. I feel like I'm searching, but I'm not sure what for. I'm steadily looking sometimes, and perhaps in those moments are when I need to search for God. To have time with Him. I don't have that. I need that. Perhaps this will become a prayer. I feel like my thoughts are just random sentences, not making any sense so I keep writing to piece them together and then perhaps I can understand them. The understanding might come later, when I rediscover this and read it again. I know that I am rambling right now, so anyone reading this probably understands it as much as I do right now, but I need to keep going. I need to move on. That's what I need to do with my life, is move on. I feel that I have gone nowhere, that I have done nothing. What have I accomplished? Nothing. I know that I am blessed and I thank God for that. I know that it is better to build up the kingdom rather be successful on Earth but I don't know how much I've done of that either. I'm not trying to give myself a pity party, I just need to get this out, so I can understand it. So I can move on. Father, I don't know where to go. I want so to feel that I've done something important. That I've been successful at something. I have picked physical therapy assistant as my major right now but I"m not sure if I made the right decision. I know that I've had dreams where I helped someone and I feel that I made the right choice and Father, I know that I can worship you anywhere and bring glory to your name in any postion but Father, I need to move on. I need to grow up. God, I do love me. I love things about me, but there are other things of which I do not like. Father, I feel like such a loser sometimes because I feel that I have done nothing with my life. God, the best thing I could do with it would bring glory to you and I'm not sure if I've done that. I might have done it in the past but what am I doing with it right now? The here. I can't worry about the future since it has not come yet but I just don't know what I"m doing right now. I feel lost and yet know that you are there with me. I just need help, I need help Father. I need your help. Please show me in what direction you want me to go. God, I want to go somewhere where I can bring glory to your name. Father, I do want to build up your Kingdom. Help me to desire you first Father. Help me to love you first, to want to talk to you first. God, I know that I do feel sorry for myself and I feel like I'm runnning out of time. Not so much career wise, but relationship wise. I cried myself to sleep last night, which could have been out of exhaustion but I think our 'fears' come out when we are exhausted and can't think straight. God I want a husband, I want children. I want a family of my own. I know that I do have a family, a big family and I thank you for blessing me with that. Father, I just feel that I'm running out of time to meet someone, to have children when I'm young. Maybe I'm not though. I still feel young even though my age catches up with me. God, I know things happen in your time and not our time, so help me to trust in you Father. To trust you with my heart's desires and know that you've heard me. God, please help me to put more into our relationship than I have been. I constantly take you for granted and yet you still love me. I don't think I will ever figure that out. Maybe I'm not supposed to figure it out. Perhaps I'm just supposed to accept it and praise you for it. God, you're awesome. How wonderful that you want a relationship with me, thank you God. You always make me feel better. God even when I'm ashamed and asking forgiveness for my sins, you make me feel better. Just talking to you makes me feel better and loved. What a wonderful feeling. You know my insides and outsides and love me anyway for I am your creation. How awesome are You. I thank you Father. I thank you for everything, for all the little things you provide throughout the day to let me know that you're here. I think that's a song. "When the suns rises, you are there." I think it is. I'm not sure. God, I started this not knowing what to write and not know where it was going but I love how it always comes back to you, my foundation. While I'm not concentrating on the words that I'm writing, my spirit is focused on you and I know that you have listened. You know, God sometimes its hard for me to understand that you are listening to me. That you do hear what I say and know what I feel but deep down, I know that you do. You tell me everytime I see the seasoning in the sky that you are here, and here for me. Father, while I don't want this moment to end, I know that a moment ending is just the mark of a new beginning. Thank you Father for listening, help me to listen to you now. I love you Lord. My words are spent.

Wanting to write..

The wind blew in her hair as the moon shined overhead. She enjoyed driving at night when the world was a peace; when it was calmer as the chaos from the day slept. The song playing on the radio made her nostalagic. Thinking of a time that wasn't that long ago yet it felt like forever. When she felt like her heart was being ripped out of her chest, like her world was ending because for her child it was. Her child had became very ill and the doctors were unsure how long she had. There were moments when she felt so alone and so isolated. She didn't know how she was going to cope without her baby girl. She casted a sideways glance at the man sitting beside her. Her husband. They had went through this situation together, although it didn't always feel that way. When something like this happens, the pain is so much to bear that words are hard to say. And without words being said, it's hard to understand what's going on in someone's head. What they feel in their hearts. So the pain, the frustration, the sadness comes out in anger to the point where you're blaming the other person and no words are spoken. Silence just overcomes and surrounds you when what you want most is to feel the other persons arms surround you. To feel comforted in this bad time and know that everything is going to be okay. But it's hard to assure someone else when you can't assure youself. So the silence builds until you feel like your heart is going to break from it and you cry out to stop the pain. That day, she did cry out. Broke down into uncontrollable sobs when she thought that he had left for work. But fate stepped in and he heard her cry. And he did what came natural to him, what she had wanted from the beginning, what they both needed, he put his arms around her and held her as she cried. His own face was moist as they comforted each other. With their cries breaking the silence, they were able to talk. To say what was in their heads and on their hearts. As they talked, they continued to hold each other, giving each other the strength they had unconsciencously given each other from the beginning but rebuilding it to make it a stronger foundation. Later that day, that had found out that their daughter was going to be ok. Their tears of sadness became tears of joy as they held each other once more.

As the song went on, he looked over at her and read in her eyes what she was thinking. Not saying a word, he simply reached over and grabbed her hand giving it a gentle squeeze. He looked back at the road while keeping their hands intertwined. She smiled at him and turned around to see their daughter asleep in the backseat. The smiled remained there as she looked back at the road. Oh, how she enjoyed driving at night.

Copying off my friend

Hey all! (well the only person who reads this)
I saw this questionaire that my friend (again the only one who reads this) did on her blog and I'm bored and want to do it as well, so enjoy this tidbit of information.

1. Were you named after anyone?
Yes, my aunt Barbara.

2. When was the last time you cried?
Earlier when watching a touching moment of Baby Mama. A great movie by the way.

3. Do you like your handwriting?
Sometimes, when it looks fancy.

4. What is your favorite lunch meat?
Bologna

5. Do you have kids?
I feel like I do with my siblings live at home.

6. If you were another person, would you be friends with you?
Yes, cause I am a sexy mama.

7. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Sarcasm? Why I never heard of such a thing!

8. Do you still have your tonsils?
Yes, I keep them in a jar beside my bed.

9. Would you bungee jump?
Only in the vitural world.

10. What is your favorite cereal?
Flinestone's Fruity Peebles.

11. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Only if I can't get them off when I push them off.

12. Do you think you are strong?
I've been told I don't know my own strength.

13. What is your favorite ice cream?
I like Ben and Jerry's everything but.. but also like plain vanilla.

14. What is the first thing you notice about people?
Their personality.

15. Red or pink?
Red

16. What is the least favorite thing about yourself?
I am my own worst enemy and make things bigger than what they are.

17. Who do you miss the most?
I'm not sure that I'm missing anyone right now. All the people dear to me, I keep close to my heart so I take them everywhere.

18. What color pants and shoes are you wearing?
Red pants and no shoes.

19. What was the last thing you ate?
Salad.

20. What are you listening to right now?
My mother and brother talking about a lost remote.

21. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?
Burnt sienna.

22. Favorite smells?
Clean linen, basements and hamster feed. Also fresh cut roses. (I'm a little weird.)

23. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
Connie

24. Do you like the person who sent this?
She's freakin awesome!

25. Favorite sports to watch?
Rasslin. (wrestling) on cable. Those guys are sexy!

26. Hair color?
Dark brown

27. Eye color?
I think hazel but they change colors (blue, green, grey) depending on what I wear.

28. Do you wear contacts?
Yes

29. Favorite foods?
Mashed potatoes, strawberries, corn-on-the-cob, and sliced mushrooms. (they have an excellent texture.)

30. Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings. They're better to rewind and watch over and over again.

31. Last movie you watched?
Baby Mama

32. What color shirt are you wearing?
White with black. (it has 101 dalmations on it.)

33. Summer or winter?
Summer but I enjoy spring the most.

34. Hugs or kisses?
Both, but it depends on who's giving them.

35. Favorite dessert?
Pretezel Salad.

36. What book are you reading now?
The book I was reading, I left at someone else's house when I was housesitting. So, I just read short stories online or just make one up in my head.

37. What is on your mouse pad?
Jungle animals

38. What did you watch on TV last night?
I caught the last part of Big Trouble in Little China and then went to watch my Moonlighting dvds.

39. Favorite sound?
Sometimes it's the sound of quiet. Or the sound of a solo piano or guitar playing softly.

40. Rolling stones or beatles?
I onced rolled a stone on a beatle. I don't throw rocks anymore.

41. What is the farthest you have been from home?
Juarez, Mexico

42. Any new news in your life?
I"m going to Disneyworld next year!!!!!!!!!!!! YES! I AM SO FREAKING EXCITED, I CAN'T WAIT!

43. Where were you born?
In a hospital.

44. Who's your favorite author?
Hmm, good question. I love Max Lucado. Some of the authors I love reading haven't published any books but have written plenty of short stories online; some of which I read over and over again because I enjoy the mini movies they have provided for my imagination.

45. What time is it now?
12:03 am

Feelings with few words

Do you ever have moments where you don't know where to start and you keep erasing and erasing what you've written? Right now, it's hard for me to begin because I'm feeling so many things that I don't know where to begin. I'm sad because yesterday was my last day of clinic, my last day of being a student rad tech. I'm not sure where to go to from here. I have some ideas, some pieces that might fall in to place, but I don't know if they will.

Yesterday was completely sad and yet I felt loved at the same time. I got hugs and words of encouragement and comfort by the simple holding of my hand by many people. It might sound silly but just the holding of my hand, I knew that these people cared about me. It was obivious when I watched two tears go down Simone's face. I will hold these moments close to my heart as I let my own tears fall. I am a sucker for affection, and to have recieved so much yesterday, especially when I needed it, reminds me of how blessed I am. To even get to know such wonderful people, I feel blessed. I know I get attached to people quickly but they were wonderful people, not only at the hospital but at school too and I just feel so lucky to know them. I'm going to miss them. Miss not seeing them every week. I know deep down I'll be fine and I am fine but what I really want to do is just crawl onto God's lap and just let Him hold me. To have Him squeeze me tight while He rocks me. How comforting is that.

It's weird because I do feel sad, comforted and peace all at the same time. I'm also unsure because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. I want to make sure that I go where God wants me to, and yet I haven't asked Him. Is it selffish to want to 'grieve' for a moment and then ask? I just want a hug and then I'll move on. Is that selffish? I don't know. Right now, I know it's getting late and I know I need to go to bed so I can go to work. How strange is it that I feel content and yet unsettled at the same time. God, my only wish that if my life is supposed to be just small journies, that I bring you along so that people can see you. Thank you for everything, good night.

Trying to breathe

As you may have notice, well the only one who might actually read this, I haven't posted anything in awhile and thought that I have some time that I would do an update. August marked me going to school full time and the end of any free time I might have had. I didn't really have that much because I was working so much but I could get a book in here or there. Right now, I don't have the time for anything other than school, work, and clinic.

School is fine. I need to bring up my physics grade (I"m like 2.3 points from my passing grade but I still have four grades before my final grade so it's not undoable.) But I actually understand it this time. Thank God for different teachers. I like all the teachers that I have. I won't post their name because I don't want it to be a breach of confidence, plus I've been schooled on Hippa, so no names here. :) I enjoy film postion class too. We actually have a energized lab and a dummy that we can xray. That is so cool. She has bones and everything. You can't really tell if she is a boy or a girl and some people have named it Pat (after the SNL character) but knowing me, I had to name her something different. I call her Bertha, after Wilhelm Conrad (the one who discovered x-rays) wife. Bertha's full name is Anna Bertha Fay VanHoffman the III. She enjoys canasta and cricket, and used to teach ballet in her younger years.

Clinic is fun. I enjoy it and my clinical instructor keeps telling me that I"m doing well. I like the techs and I just have fun. I love it. I just know that this is what I'm supposed to do. It's awesome.

Work is the same. It is starting to get on my nerves though. Before I was indifferent but now, I'd rather be at school or clinic. I guess my mindset is going through its transfermation. I'm not really sure what that means but it sounds good I guess. I'm still going to stay there but I don't know.

Right now, I'm trying to get over this allergy/sinus thing I have going on. I actually didn't go to school yesterday or work, but I was off. And I didn't go to clinic today which was ok, since we are allowed one personal day a semester. I was feeling better but I still felt a little yucky and I didn't want to go to the hospital feeling all bleach. Especially since I"m supposed to be in the ER this week. But I'm feeling better. I'm still not quite a 100% but I"m getting there. So, that has been my life, or lack there of since August. (I think my next free day, where I don't have to worry about school or work will be Christmas.) Yay. Although I did manage to grab this photo when I was housesitting last week. I think it's God's way of telling me that even though my life (and others) can be very hectic, for a lack of a better word, He's still there and gives us peace.

No good deed goes unpunished

I'm sad right now because I was supposed to see Wicked this summer before school started again and I wasn't able to go. Our local college has something called adult plus where they take senior citizens (and the general public but the seniors get a discount) to different things like broadway shows and trips to NY and museums and things like that. Well, that had on their agenda Wicked and me and my friend wanted to go. Their seats were full but we were put on the waiting list. We did this early in the summer but as the date approached, we still didn't hear anything. We've been shorthanded at work for awhile so I've been putting in some heavy overtime. When my boss was doing the schedule for the next week, she asked if I stilled needed that day off because my co-worker wanted four days off because her bday and anniversary were like two days apart. Why she needed four days for two, I don't know. She actually wanted a whole week off but since we were shorthanded, she was only going to get four. So, anyway, my boss asked if I still needed it off and I said no, because if there were openings then they would have called by now.

So the day before they were supposed go, they called my friend and said that someone had cancelled and they had an opening which really sucked because I had to work and couldn't go and neither could my friend. But they still were going another day (today) for Wicked and we asked to be put on the list for that. But lo and behold, no one cancelled this time and so I didn't get to go see it. And I really really wanted too. It just really sucks.

I mean, I had requested for the first day off months before and I just let it go so my co-worker can have her little 'vacation.' I can understand but at the same time, I've been pulling 6 days a week for the last two months to help out and then worked 10 days straight to help my boss and her out and I missed my opportunity. Plus I'll be full time at school and I won't have any time to do anything else but school and work. It just sucks. Really and truly. Oh well. I guess I'll see it sometime. Thanks for letting me vent. Good day people.

I've been up for too long...

For the many many people who would read this, I'd like to share a few things. Perhaps more, perhaps less. It all depends on how long I type. First off, the doctor told me that I wouldn't have as many nose bleeds if I just kept my finger out of it. I told him, information that he already knows by preening my file before downloading, was that I had gotten poison ivy on my brain and it really really itched. I had try to think about sandpaper to relieve my suffering but it didn't always prevail which is why I used my finger. He asked me if I truly thought my finger went up that far and I asked him why he pooped in the refridgerator. He asked if I was stupid or something and I replied, stupid is as stupid does sir. And I do not dues stupid. I told him that my mama always said that life was like a box of chocolates. I think that's because chocolate makes your teeth fall out. Mama don't go no teeth. I buried my mama on a Tuesday but forgot to put her new hat on her, so I dug her up on a Wednesday and buried her again on Thursday. If you think that's sick, then you never had the birds flu. It's kind of like the mad cow diease minus the mooing and the occasional blurted cuss word. In other news, I'd like to give everyone this gentle reminder. The titanic didn't hit the iceburg, I pushed it.