Thinking

I had off today and I did nothing. Right now, I think I just need to write, to think aloud per say. Writing always helps me to be more truthful with myself, and I think that's what I need right now. I feel like I'm searching, but I'm not sure what for. I'm steadily looking sometimes, and perhaps in those moments are when I need to search for God. To have time with Him. I don't have that. I need that. Perhaps this will become a prayer. I feel like my thoughts are just random sentences, not making any sense so I keep writing to piece them together and then perhaps I can understand them. The understanding might come later, when I rediscover this and read it again. I know that I am rambling right now, so anyone reading this probably understands it as much as I do right now, but I need to keep going. I need to move on. That's what I need to do with my life, is move on. I feel that I have gone nowhere, that I have done nothing. What have I accomplished? Nothing. I know that I am blessed and I thank God for that. I know that it is better to build up the kingdom rather be successful on Earth but I don't know how much I've done of that either. I'm not trying to give myself a pity party, I just need to get this out, so I can understand it. So I can move on. Father, I don't know where to go. I want so to feel that I've done something important. That I've been successful at something. I have picked physical therapy assistant as my major right now but I"m not sure if I made the right decision. I know that I've had dreams where I helped someone and I feel that I made the right choice and Father, I know that I can worship you anywhere and bring glory to your name in any postion but Father, I need to move on. I need to grow up. God, I do love me. I love things about me, but there are other things of which I do not like. Father, I feel like such a loser sometimes because I feel that I have done nothing with my life. God, the best thing I could do with it would bring glory to you and I'm not sure if I've done that. I might have done it in the past but what am I doing with it right now? The here. I can't worry about the future since it has not come yet but I just don't know what I"m doing right now. I feel lost and yet know that you are there with me. I just need help, I need help Father. I need your help. Please show me in what direction you want me to go. God, I want to go somewhere where I can bring glory to your name. Father, I do want to build up your Kingdom. Help me to desire you first Father. Help me to love you first, to want to talk to you first. God, I know that I do feel sorry for myself and I feel like I'm runnning out of time. Not so much career wise, but relationship wise. I cried myself to sleep last night, which could have been out of exhaustion but I think our 'fears' come out when we are exhausted and can't think straight. God I want a husband, I want children. I want a family of my own. I know that I do have a family, a big family and I thank you for blessing me with that. Father, I just feel that I'm running out of time to meet someone, to have children when I'm young. Maybe I'm not though. I still feel young even though my age catches up with me. God, I know things happen in your time and not our time, so help me to trust in you Father. To trust you with my heart's desires and know that you've heard me. God, please help me to put more into our relationship than I have been. I constantly take you for granted and yet you still love me. I don't think I will ever figure that out. Maybe I'm not supposed to figure it out. Perhaps I'm just supposed to accept it and praise you for it. God, you're awesome. How wonderful that you want a relationship with me, thank you God. You always make me feel better. God even when I'm ashamed and asking forgiveness for my sins, you make me feel better. Just talking to you makes me feel better and loved. What a wonderful feeling. You know my insides and outsides and love me anyway for I am your creation. How awesome are You. I thank you Father. I thank you for everything, for all the little things you provide throughout the day to let me know that you're here. I think that's a song. "When the suns rises, you are there." I think it is. I'm not sure. God, I started this not knowing what to write and not know where it was going but I love how it always comes back to you, my foundation. While I'm not concentrating on the words that I'm writing, my spirit is focused on you and I know that you have listened. You know, God sometimes its hard for me to understand that you are listening to me. That you do hear what I say and know what I feel but deep down, I know that you do. You tell me everytime I see the seasoning in the sky that you are here, and here for me. Father, while I don't want this moment to end, I know that a moment ending is just the mark of a new beginning. Thank you Father for listening, help me to listen to you now. I love you Lord. My words are spent.