Feelings with few words

Do you ever have moments where you don't know where to start and you keep erasing and erasing what you've written? Right now, it's hard for me to begin because I'm feeling so many things that I don't know where to begin. I'm sad because yesterday was my last day of clinic, my last day of being a student rad tech. I'm not sure where to go to from here. I have some ideas, some pieces that might fall in to place, but I don't know if they will.

Yesterday was completely sad and yet I felt loved at the same time. I got hugs and words of encouragement and comfort by the simple holding of my hand by many people. It might sound silly but just the holding of my hand, I knew that these people cared about me. It was obivious when I watched two tears go down Simone's face. I will hold these moments close to my heart as I let my own tears fall. I am a sucker for affection, and to have recieved so much yesterday, especially when I needed it, reminds me of how blessed I am. To even get to know such wonderful people, I feel blessed. I know I get attached to people quickly but they were wonderful people, not only at the hospital but at school too and I just feel so lucky to know them. I'm going to miss them. Miss not seeing them every week. I know deep down I'll be fine and I am fine but what I really want to do is just crawl onto God's lap and just let Him hold me. To have Him squeeze me tight while He rocks me. How comforting is that.

It's weird because I do feel sad, comforted and peace all at the same time. I'm also unsure because I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do next. I want to make sure that I go where God wants me to, and yet I haven't asked Him. Is it selffish to want to 'grieve' for a moment and then ask? I just want a hug and then I'll move on. Is that selffish? I don't know. Right now, I know it's getting late and I know I need to go to bed so I can go to work. How strange is it that I feel content and yet unsettled at the same time. God, my only wish that if my life is supposed to be just small journies, that I bring you along so that people can see you. Thank you for everything, good night.